8 more ways to extract applause from a group of male traders

Rick Santelli, some white dude on TV, made news today by dissing Obama’s mortgage plan. He stood on the floor of the CME Group and said:

Santelli: … And in terms of modification, I’ll tell you what, I have an idea. You know, the new administration’s big on computers and new technology, how about this, President and new administration. Why don’t you put up a website to have people vote on the Internet as a referendum to see if we really want to subsidize the losers’ mortgages or would we like to, at least, buy cars and buy houses in foreclosure and give them to people who might have a chance to actually prosper down the road. And reward people that can carry the water instead of drink the water. (rowdy applause on the trading floor)

Host: That’s a novel idea. They’re like putty in your hands. Did you hear —

Santelli: No they’re not, Joe, they’re not like putty in our hands. This is America! How many of you people want to pay for your neighbor’s mortgage that has an extra bathroom and can’t pay their bills? Raise their hand. (no hands raised, lots of booing) President Obama, are you listening?

Trader on the floor: How about we all stop paying our mortgages? It’s a moral hazard….

This is a group I am pretty familiar with, as my dissertation was on a…strikingly similar crowd of people. Just for a little reference, here are some other things you can say that will get a rousing burst of applause, a good amount of whistles and/or a fight. This is not a McSweeney’s list:

  1. Hey you fucking asshole, when I ask for a market I want bid, offer, size. 1, bid, 2, offer, 3, size, it’s not that fucking difficult, you stupid asshole. Do you got that? (actually this was directed at me)
  2. I fucked your mother! (come to think of it, that also was directed at me)
  3. Cunts shouldn’t be allowed on the floor. Put that in your dissertation!
  4. Fight!
  5. Chris ate 30 hot sauce packets in 30 minutes!
  6. Fuck you! (variously directed at me)
  7. Fuck Bill Clinton! (interestingly, also directed at me)
  8. A (after losing a fist fight on the floor to much larger B): Great, you can beat up a guy 100 pounds smaller than you. Next you want to beat up my sister? B: Fine, but I’d fuck her first.

And courtesy of a current trader, here’s the joke going around now: Just buy the 3’s. It’s fucking TARP money anyhow!

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