Liveblogging America's Next Top Model

9:02: I’ve been wanting to do this for a while. Tonight I’m live-blogging America’s Next Top Model. As Tyra croons through the opening, ‘Wanna be on top?’ You bet I do.

9:04: breakfast with the models, pancakes, tofu with salad, a discussion of how controlling their parents are. Elina’s mom is Russian, and mom never let her do anything. Man, she’sll show her. Lauren Brill is worried about her versatility. Gossip in the sunbathing outdoors, the rest of the girls are dissing AnnaLee, saying she’s pretty but doesn’t look like a model.

The models are off to a photo studio, with little information. They’re really confused. A picture of Tyramail arrives, with the lady in person to follow (dressed in Postal gear). She hits them with a little poetry, and she’s off.

In come the girls to the shoot, where Tyra is now taking pictures in a black top, black leather skirt (Jeez, boobs!). Today is all about the signature pose! Tyra says tne thing I was known for is….this (Pow! Steely stare! I’m feeling fierce here at home just watching). 10 pictures on their own, and then 10 photos after coaching.

Aw shit! AnnaLee is going rebel skater girl!! Now Makine is working the curve of her neck (the ‘boxer’), Sam is goin’ all HANDS and shit! Tyra lets her know, the hands should be an extension of her body – good tip. Lauren Bree is goin’ for a self-professed awkward pose! G’damn! Tyra says she looks a little amputee. Ok, she’s better, going Surfer Girl (but the hands! She’s doing the crab!). Assessment? Pretty but empty (and she knows it – she’s crying about her worries about going home)

ok, break..

Back and feeling good about the poses. The idea now is for the girls to get a little coaching and then get back in front of the camera for another 10 shots. Things go so fast, it’s hard to keep up.

Ok, forgot that there are still others to go for the first round. Sheena, going for a signature ‘cultural dance.’ Not hootchie (demonstrates Tyra), but more African dance. Josyln is going for posing wide. A little stiff – and Bam! Profile! Aleena is going for ‘top model of the world’, she’s such an editorial girl, not a top model girl. Shapow! Lose control, Aleena!

Marjorie is doin ‘hunchback’. Love it – bells of ND are ringing, but wow she’s looking too hunchy. Tyra tells her she’s made it into a Hunchback of Notre Dame, BUT MODELING! AND SHE WINS THE FIRST ROUND!!! Eveyrone saw the magic that happened, I had my doubts, but Tyra tells me it was clear.

And so Marjorie and her Analeigh are getting to pick out a couple of pieces of jewelry. Bling for the huncher!

Ok, more Tyramail, telling them they need to really bring it. I thought Bring It went out with Kiki Dunst’s cuteness. They’re in the theater, and one of the models just said whatever she does is going to be ‘off the hizzle!’ You know it man. You know it.

Blah blah blah Jay, blah blah, looking for the fiercies. Fierce is what it’s all about, at least today – but really Tyra is always fierce. Conversationista!!

Marjorie is now being asked to do hunchback but on the toilet!! No, seriously. She’s supposed to be taking a shit in a party dress. And now she’s getting high-fives.

Cuecard reading for Sam, getting dissed somewhat by Jay. But she’s really getting flustered. Sam isn’t looking good. Alina by contrast is doing ‘overemotional crying actress.’ She’s a natural at this. C’mon woman! Lose control!!!! But seriously, if she can’t do ‘pouty actress’ better than Marjorie can do hunching shitter, she deserves to be sent home.

Ok, another break…for some reason I though ANTM was 30 minutes, not an hour, but I’m going to try to power through. Hells yes I am. I’m feeling empowered by the DonorsChoose donations, yes I am.

Back and a few more models to go for the second round. Apparently the task is to be embarrassing while also being model-y, I kinda missed that. Explains the weird bathroom woman. BTW, there’s a new show about being an ELLE intern, and it looks horrifyinglicious – Stylista!

Elina is back and ready to do her overemotional woman. Let go Elina, tell us when you feel not good enough! Jay, draw out the insecurity! Make her feel worse! Worse! WOW, SHE IS SO FIERCE!! I’m going to let go just like her, I wonder if it will work for me?

Lauren Brie is worried about the difficulty level – she’s supposed to be tripping on stairs. Don’t feel posed, she should really trip on the stairs. Arch her back now, looks a lot better (cute butt too). But dag if she’s being criticized for being too posed.

McKeyis doing ‘believes she should win but is about to lose the award’. And now she’s got Shina doing who knows what. And the final two women are doing ‘SNAP! We’re both wearing the same dress!’ Analeigh is still worrying about her signature pose, but she just needs to bring it. BRING IT! (apparently, she does bitchy very well – awesome).

Woot! More Tyramail. Only 7 can continue on, one needs to go home. A relaxing night at the house, and a little Rubiks’ cube action from one of the models (oh yeah, brains and beauty). Oh wait, someone just mucked up adding to 14. Oh well, the lord giveth with one hand and taketh with the other.

Break. And then we’ll see who is still in the running for….AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL!!

9:41 During the commercial break I saw a Bank of America commercial, and it reminded me that the financial world is going to shit. Must return to models!

9:42 Back and now Tyra’s in a hoodie! A Hoodie!!!!! And yet, boobs!

Judges, blah blah blah, wow Paulina Porizkova, I used to have a poster of her when I was 15. Yep. First up judging, from the Fiercy awards.

McKee – beautiful, looks like she’s falling apart, but they’re liking it. E thinks she looks plastic, and I disagree, she looks less real than even plastic.

Shina, she looks possessed, all whites of eyes and shit! Uh-oh, Paulina says the body is good but not mind-blowingly good.

Blondie (missed her, AnaLeigh?) blah blah

Sam – looks like she’s sneezing, not modeling. Yeah, she’s going down.

Jocelyn – they are loving her!

ok, this judging kind of sucks. But wait!!! Jocelyn is crying! I take it back, loving the drama!

Marjorie, the hunching shitter, a comment from one of the judges: ‘you get yourself into the most extraordinary positions, but you look incredible!!’

Lauren Bree is on her way out. The judges frickin hated her.

The camera loves Alina, and now she’s crying again. So real, so good, so long baby. OMG!!! Tyra is suggesting that Alina model Halle Berry from her Oscar Award! Can you believe that shit! Seriously, do you remember that? Do you? DO YOU!!

Break, and then we’ll see whose ass is Audi.

Back and results. Blah blah judging. While we wait, our Chinese food has arrived, and I’m really looking forward to my egg drop soup. You know, Paulina looks kind of like a normal person nowadays. Ooh, and I think there’s shrimp and broccoli.

Ok, back to results. I’m still loving Tyra’s hoodie, she’s only got 7 photos, but there are 8 girls! Names called, best girl first (displayed in house as digital art):
Marjorie (hunchie-shitter)
Alina (not just feeling it, having other feel it too!)

leaving Lauren Bree and Shina…I can see some crying coming. I think it’ll be Lauren Bree eliminated..c’mon Tyra don’t tease me…Shina has personality, but not great looks, Lauren has looks but no personality…and it’s SHINA!!!!!! Lauren Bree is fucking out of her.

No tears (not yet). Oh, wait, there are the tears, and she’s now rambling. I just noticed that Tyra has half-gloves on. Damn, she just got eliminated because Tyra says she has no personality. Brutal, but that’s fashion, one day you’re in and the next day you’re..oh wait. E wants to know where the ‘I’ll get you my pretties! I’ll be famous someday and you haven’t seen the last of me!!’ Nope, just slinking off into the curtain.

Welp. It’s been an eventful hour, a real joy. Have a good weekend!

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